Monday, November 6, 2006

Horde fo Life, yo!

Remember when the Horde were the bad guys? I rolled Horde because I wanted to kill Alliance. I vociferously hate Night Elves, am surprised when I see a stupid human running around that isn’t a paladin, and aim for the ‘short ones with pink hair’ whenever I can in PvP. I don’t care if I die, as long as they die before I do. I’m admittedly horrible at PvP because I keep blowing rage on those stupid bubbles every time I see them. They make me so fucking crazy! I KNOW it’s a waste of rage; I just can’t help it! I just want to be the first thing that makes him bleed again, and let a crit to the face be the thing that lets him know ‘yeah, the bubble isn’t working anymore’.

The game has been out too long, though. Old school Alliance are growing tired of all their sixties, and have begun rolling Horde now to pass the time until the expansion. I see them in the Undercity, complaining that the UC isn’t half as cool as Iron Forge. Duh! That’s the point, jackass! We built our capitol city in a bunch of ruins… it’s an abandoned city filled with slime and dead guys! I hear them in the Barrens, talking about how their ‘NE Main’ has it so much better. Christ, I even hear them on vent during raids making slip-ups and asking for some retarded seal of some sort… I don’t even get it, like some stupid ball of white fluff would help down Vael.

I won’t say I’ve never rolled Alliance before, but I will happily say that I’ve never surpassed level 12. The general chat was enough to make my eyes bleed, and Quests go something like the picture to the right here. The zones feel “finished”, there are ambient (freely skinnable) bunnies hopping around everywhere, and everything just feels so ‘wonderful’ it makes me want to punch my cat in the throat.

On top of all this, when we go back to our Horde accounts, we have to listen true blue Horde sixties going all sissy on us and claiming the Horde aren’t even the bad guys, we’re ‘just misunderstood’ or some crap. These fruitcakes claim that the ‘Forsaken’ aren’t evil per se, and are often mistakenly associated with the ‘bad guy undead’ you fight in Scholomance or UD Strat. Let’s take a look, shall we?

According to lore (copied with light editing from

This renegade group of Undead managed to break free of the tyrannical rule of the Lich King and now seek to retain their free will while destroying all who oppose them. Now known as the Forsaken they are dedicated to follow their new leader, the Dark Lady Sylvanas Windrunner. The Forsaken have established a secret stronghold beneath the ruins of Lordaeron in the Tirisfal Glades, the Undercity.

Sylvanas’ goal is to develop a new plague to not only get rid of the Scourge, but to wipe out the rest of humanity as well. To speed up the process the Forsaken have entered an alliance with the brutish and primitive races of the Horde.

Hmmmm… Developing biological Super-Plagues to wipe out humanity, and destroy all who oppose them? A penchant for eating their dead victims to regain health? Let’s have ‘em over to meet the folks next Tuesday, hon!

Froederick here has sworn a lifelong allegiance to the Horde after the orc warchief lent him a buck fifty for Cheetos.
The Undead pretty much kick ass, and are honestly some of the only Horde with any back story. Blizzard ran out of ideas after expending 4 months trying to cook up the "super plague" one, so every other race just ‘got some help from the orcs fighting X monster, and are now in alliance with them’.


The vicious Jungle Trolls are known for their cruelty and hatred against all other races. One tribe however, the Darkspear tribe, was forced to work together with the warchief Thrall and his Horde of Orcs to save themselves from a band of Murlocs. From that point the Darkspear tribe swore an oath of eternal allegiance to the Horde.

Fighting murlocs, huh? That’s funny, last time I checked, I didn’t see any murlocs over level 15 or so in-game… maybe 20 if you count that last boss in Wailing Caverns.

They even hate the Forsaken, too…

As part of the Horde the Trolls have gained a trust in the mighty Tauren, but they have a hard time accepting the Forsaken into their alliance.

They like the Taurens, huh? Well, what’s not to like? Taurens are pretty granola, and probably grow all the weed the Horde smokes.

Maybe that’s where the Trolls got this whole silly “Jamacian thing” from. I can’t imagine why the neighborhood stoners would be on the ‘bad guy’ side…. Oh, wait… that’s right:

The leader of the Tauren, the ancient chief Cairne Bloodhoof, allied with the Orcs during the third war because the Orcs helped them drive back the Tauren’s enemies, the Centaurs. Just like the Orcs, the Tauren want to retain their history as a noble race.

…they swore an allegiance for driving back the level 13 centaurs found wandering around in the barrens. Verog has been summoned? Oh shit, call Thrall!

And finally: our pals, the Orcs…

The savage, green-skinned Orcs are commonly believed to be brutal with no sign of humanity. They were born in the world of Draenor, and brought into the kingdom of Stormwind through the dimensional gateway known as the Dark Portal. They were forced to wage war on the Humans and they have been involved in all of the three wars, a common enemy of the Alliance.

The Orcs were once a noble race with a cultivated shamanistic society in Draenor. What made them so reckless was the corruption of the Burning Legion who forced them to invade Azeroth. However, the Orcs managed to rebel against their former masters and are now led by the young warchief Thrall, who has helped the Orcs regain their former strength and honor.

Being the boss means never having to say you're sorry
Okay, so they used to be a cool group of guys until the Burning Legion ‘forced’ them to fight the humans… and now it’s too late to say you’re sorry or something? Way to continually sacrifice the lives of your countrymen just to save face and not have to apologize, Thrall. God, you’re such a dick!

Pretty soon we’re going to be getting Day Elves. This opens the door for anyone who rolled Alliance in the first place because they were the ‘pretty’ race to feel right at home on the Horde side of the fence. Great. I could do a detailed analysis, but at this point I think I’m just upsetting my ulcer. What’s next? Giving both sides shamans and paladins, effectively making rolling one side or the other pointle---

Next week: Fed up with World of Whybothercraft, I test drive “My Little Pony Online Adventures”! I roll a Chaotic Palomino Barbarian, and go LFG in the ‘Pretty Pony Grooming Grounds’! See you then!

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