Friday, May 2, 2008

Please find Resume.PDF attached

Is it me, or does it seem a little silly that getting into a guild requires writing an essay discussing your strengths and weaknesses as a raider? The game itself already hinges on being a second job as it is; doesn't forcing people to jump through hoops to play together just seem counter productive to, oh-I-don't-know, having "fun"? This is a fucking video game we're talking about. Again, maybe it's just me, but I'm pretty sure I've never asked for a list of references before letting someone choose to be on the "red" team with me in Mario Kart co-op mode.

As noted in my last column, I recently decided to take the plunge on free server transfers, completely forgetting the fact that I'd find myself back in "Please Let Me Raid With You Guys I'm Good I Swear Town USA". I even had a few people I had been guilded with before on the new server that I sent a few tells to, and they would be like "oh, I dunno, I'll discuss it with our GM and see if I can get you into vent to have a talk with him". Gee, should I tuck my shirt in beforehand? Hold on, tell him to wait, I better shave first.

So here I am on Dreadmaul, writing these stupid applications on random scrub guild's forum pages. I have to register, click the stupid link in my email, then go back and fill out their silly little form. Do they have HR people who scan these? On a whim, I made one yesterday just being overtly silly about how retarded the whole process was, and I got some dry response about how they take the time out of their day to read my application, and how I should at least put some time into making is look nice.


This is their honest to god response, not photoshopped. I put reasons #1 & 2 on why they should accept me in their guild as "I don't have AIDS" and "I'm not retarded". They since went back and edited my own app to read "I am a dumb cunt" or something equally clever. This was their response. I couldn't make this shit up if i tried. By all means, APPLY to this guild. Their forums are a hoot.

Making it look nice? Are you fucking kidding? Hey fuckstick, I know where the sinister strike button is. This isn't a formal request for grant funding to continued cancer research we're discussing. I want to push the 'hurt' button over and over while standing behind the dragon. I would have been happier with a "WOW IS SRS BIZNESS OK" response. This guild apparently raids in dead silence, for fear of having DKP docked if (god forbid!) they cut the cheese on vent.

So instead I'm standing around in Shattrath with my thumb up my ass spaming a "/2 Full combat rogue / prot tank / resto druid looking for a guild that doesn't require me to write a fucking poem about how awesome I am on their stupid forums. Fully exalted on three toons in Kara, I intend to never be saved there again. Just fucking ginvite me, and if I suck, gboot me later" macro.

Is it asking too much to take up a precious slot on your VIDEO GAME TEAM roster? Last time I checked, this server was new, and there are exactly ZERO guilds who have hit the maximum guild size of 500. God forbid I happen to be jerking off in Shattrath and you need a tank, rogue, OR druid for a run. And seriously, if I suck, just kick me out and be done with it, but let's not pretend this is some elite group of combat hardened guerilla mercenaries you have here. It's fucking WoW, not rocket surgery. I love how guilds go from "new guild LFM, anyone over 60 accepted, PST for ginvite" to "yeah, well... we killed Gruul last night, so it looks like we're gonna have to cut the chaff and really knuckle down on dead weight around here". Or the other one I love: "well, we might have room for your druid, because he's a healer, but we're full on rogues and tanks, sorry". Oh, don't apologize to me! Apologize to the manager at Pizza Hut tomorrow when you show up late for your delivery job because you were up all night wiping to Hydross. Good luck with that, Mr. All Powerful Internet Middle Management.

Fucking ridiculous.

Srsly. I hate this fucking game.

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