Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Player Housing and Siege Warfare!

…are totally fucking stupid. I hate you all in the face with my shoe, and I hate you even more if you got a boner when you read the title of this story. Why do nerds all over the world get hard-ons over the idea of ‘owning’ a home in an MMO? What is so fantastically awesome about having some stupid hut that makes people bring it up over and over again? Is it because they still live at home, and think “ONCE I GET MY OWN HOUSE IN WOW I DON’T NEED TO LISTEN TO MOM EVER AGAIN”? Do you honestly think your guild leader will respect you more when he sees that you made your own fucking drapes in the shit-hole you ‘own’ out by the Crossroads? Let’s just get this out in the open: you are a huge loser if you want a fucking hovel to put your shit in, in-game. This isn’t up for argument. I’m always right, and in this case especially you are totally and utterly wrong. Suck it up.

Player Housing and Siege Warfare are seen as the next big thing for god knows why. Throw in ‘deformable terrain’ and OH-EM-GEE it looks like the stock for Vaseline and Kleenex just shot up (oh snap! See what I did there?). Here’s a shocking revelation that will make RPers worldwide ruin their jeans, and the best part is, it’s already in game!

Ready? There already is player housing built into the game! ZOMG! There are stupid little houses all over the world of Azeroth that serve no fucking purpose whatsoever, and are waiting for YOU to come into them and role-play your way to the head of the class. There are orc huts located in northern barrens, right before the entrance to Ashenvale, and totally abandoned Night Elfy kinda houses all over the place. There’s one I specifically remember coming across way out in the middle of fucking nowhere, at the northern tip of Stonetalon Mountains, up by that place called ‘The Den’. It's a stupid little grey house with ugly maroon trim, and little gay flowerpots under the front windows. There are no NPCs to be found for miles in any direction. Feel free to run on up there every time you want to log out ‘at home’. It’ll probably be pretty stupid sitting at home all day long, when your friends are off killing monsters and whatever, but loneliness is a small price to pay to be the first WoW customer with his own unique player housing! Just think of all the things you could do there! Right click the chair to repeatedly ‘sit’ over and over (note* not all player houses have usable furniture), or have a mage conjure you some water, and eat it in your bed! Oh, man! MOM’S RULES DON’T APPLY HERE ANYMORE, LOL!

If you feel a little lonely, you could always just take over the place where Mankirk’s wife was repeatedly raped in the anus and left for dead, just south of the Crossroads. People will be coming over all the time to click her dead body; it could be a major feature of your new bachelor pad! Come on over and poke her with a stick! We’ll enjoy some Rumsey Rum and make dead orc jokes! Maybe the opposite is true, and you want to 'get away from it all'. At level 70, you can easily go solo Scholomance, and take up a residency in the Boss' chambers. He won't respawn as long as you never leave, and you'll only have to deal with shitty little elites whenever you 'get home' for the evening.

Seriously. You people make me want to punch 2nd graders in the back of the head. I honestly sat down and tried to decide, and couldn’t figure out what was more stupid: Player Housing, or the oft requested OMG Seige Warfare! Can there be anything more stupid and boring than collecting wood to craft a catapult so we can push it across a map?

The ‘collecting wood’ part is pure conjecture, but kinda makes sense based on their previous ‘collect some blood or whatever so you can summon some big rock or tree’ theme that nobody bothers partaking in anymore.

I mean, I see what they’re doing. Rather, I see WHY they’re doing it. WoW already has Quake (arena), Unreal Tournament (WSG), Battlefield (AB), combinations of the two (EotS), and … whatever AV is. The devs probably sat down, and were like, MAN… IF WOW PVP ONLY HAD VEHICLES, IT COULD BE LIKE HALO TOO! OH, OH! NO, WAIT! YOU KNOW WHAT WE REALLY NEED? THAT SAVING PRIVATE RYAN SHIT THAT EVERY FUCKING WAR GAME OR MOVIE SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME HAS DONE OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER! IT FITS WITH THE LOLORE OF AZEROTH PERFECTLY!

I present Exhibit 2b, a.k.a. The New Northrend BG:

Seriously. I’ve been playing the game again for about a week now, and I already hate everyone involved in and out of the game more than I think I did before. Reading up on the game itself is like actively searching the internet for depression, and finding it’s readily available for 15 bucks a month.

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