Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Man's Best Friend

There’s a dog that lives next door. His name is “Bz”, pronounced like a swarm of insects that wants to sting you. Bz is a small dog that, as far as I can tell, stays locked in a cage for twenty four hours a day, and only exists on this planet to annoy me. He barks and barks and barks, and sometimes even makes little guttural snarling noises like he really wants me dead. This would be horribly amusing if it weren’t so annoying for two reasons: I’ve never seen him out of the cage, and even if he were to escape and try to attack me, I could just step on him, suffering minor injury to my ankle. Probably the act of stepping would pose more of a threat to my ankle’s well being, as this dog is roughly the size of a football, and wouldn’t require any Holy Hand Grenades to vanquish.

The dog is doing its job, I suppose. By alerting the Fujisawa house that a big ugly foreigner is putting on his scooter helmet, or bringing groceries up to his apartment, he is earning his keep. The problem is that Bz never shuts the fuck up, so I really doubt that the Fujisawas even pay attention to him anymore. I’ve developed a fantasy scenario in my head, and each time Bz launches into a new tirade, a new chapter is developed. It basically boils down to me infiltrating the Fujisawa household, and killing everyone inside. Bz would probably go into nuclear meltdown mode were I to cross from the carport to their actual property, but I doubt anyone inside the house would even register his ferocious yapping any more than they do now. Then I could just come outside, drenched in blood and stand over Bz’s cage laughing the maniacal overlord laugh of one whose plan has come to full fruition. Then I’d let him starve to death in his cage, knowing that even though he tried his best to warn them of their impending doom, they ignored him, because he’s such an annoying shit for the other 6 days, 23 hours and 59 minutes of every week.

God I fucking hate dogs.

Maybe I'll expound more on it later, but even typing this up is making my blood pressure rise. I need a beer, Christ.

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