Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Apparently My Birthday Has Expired

Your momma's so fat she heard it was chilly outside, bitch went and got a bowl. She's so dumb, I saw her putting lipstick on her forehead, I was like 'what the fuck are you doing?' she was like 'I dunno, I'm trying to make up my mind'. She's so poor, I stepped on a cigarette that was smoldering on the living room floor and she complained about me turning off the heat.

Shit, your momma's so old her birthday expired.

Hmmm...it would appear she's 34 years old, and she and I are in the same boat.

I can't buy beer in America because my California driver's license expired a month ago, on my birthday, while I was still in Japan. Dipshits at the grocery store card me, I happily pull it out, and they're like OH WAIT. THIS IS EXPIRED. SORRY.

Since when does my birthdate fucking expire? The amount of documentation required to obtain a driver's license in the first place is ridiculous. None of that 'identity proving' goes out the window magically one day. Plus, I'm not asking for permission to go run some NASCAR with you, you moron, I want to prove I'm the guy in the photo (which still looks like me), so I can go home and medicate myself with Californian Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. You see, I'm finding myself surrounded by idiots recently. People who, for one reason or another, choose to refuse to engage their brain for whatever reason. People who can't understand that I don't want to pay 200 dollars extra for some retard-service-plan for my new television. It will either work or it won't, and if it doesn't, you be seeing me very shortly. Like, within the hour. I also don't buy insurance for my pants and underwear. Amazing, I know.

Here's how that conversation basically goes down:

Lou (already punching in the SKUs into the register): So you're gonna want that four year buyer protection plan, and a bottle of screen cleaner right?
Me: No, I don't want any of that crap. I came here for a TV. That's all I want.
Lou (with a retarded slackjaw expression on his face like I just crapped a turd out in the AV section of bestbuy): wha? WELL WHY NOT?
Me: I'm not interested in it. I'll do fine with the manufacturer's warranty.
Lou (picking up steam now): BUT WHY WOULDN'T YOU WANT 4 YEARS OF--
Me: Gotta girlfriend, Lou?
Lou (more confused now): yeah...?
Me: Does she take it in the butt, Lou?
Lou: *ahem* I'm pretty sure that's none of your busine--
Me: WOW. SO YOU DO UNDERSTAND. HOW ABOUT YOU FUCK OFF WITH THE INTERVIEW AND JUST RING UP THE TV, LOU?

Nobody even approached me for the entire 40 minutes I stood there, staring at labels for Sony Bravias and Sharp Aquios and Samsung Dinglenuggets (I got a Samsung, btw). Then they have the audacity to try and jump on my ass and ride me to the bank when I finally track a fucker down in the washing machine section and am like SLASH TWO YEAH... CUSTOMER WITH $1000+ CASH... READY TO GO IN THE HD TV SECTION, NO BULLSHIT SMALL TALK REQUIRED, PST.

Then they were ---honestly--- about to not let me take the TV I just bought with CASH, out to my car. Since I didn't have a pickup truck or SUV, they were going to try and stop me from leaving the store with it, to try and stuff in the trunk of my parent's Jaguar. Seriously. I laughed. Like, out loud. I --literally-- was LOLing, right there in RL. It would have been funny if it wasn't such a 'omfg I seriously can't believe you're stupid enough to try and tell me I can't take my new TV I just paid cash for to my car' moment.

For the record, a 40 inch Samsung will fit in the back seat of a Jaguar. Barely.

And then I go to the grocery store to buy a six pack for the install, and get told by the bitch behind the counter I'M REALLY SORRY, BECAUSE I CAN SEE THIS IS YOU, AND YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY OVER 21, BUT IT'S JUST EXPIRED AND I DON'T WANT TO GET IN TROUBLE.

Oh no, don't apologize to me, you little worm. Apologize to your parents. They completely failed to inspire you to think for yourself, despite all of their hard work. Apologize to your children, who will grow up to resent you for being such a fucking putz. But don't apologize to ME. I've had a day, and at this point I don't even hear what you're saying anymore.

Epilouge:

Ixo got all the way home and told the story to all who would hear it. Then he realized he had left the Netflix things in the car and had to turn right back around and drive them down to a mailbox (christ, don't even ask why we can't just put them in the mailbox at our house, that's a whole other DOING YOUR PART FOR JUVENILE CRIME PREVENTION AWARENESS IN THE SUBURBS rant). So he decided to take his passport and get a six pack after all. Halfway to town, he realized he forgot to actually GRAB his passport, and braced himself for the uber trifecta of America. He went to the local Liquor Mart, preparing for the final showdown.

There, at the counter, with a twelvepack in his hand (upgrade!), the cashier asked him how old he was. He replied: "I'm 34.". The cashier rang up the beer, without another word, and Ixo lived happily ever after.

The End.

loledits: oh wow. I typed this up in a MOOD, and totally missed about 8 glaring run ons and typos. I don't pretend to be perfect, but I'm not THAT bad. Some crap fixed. Consider this 2.0. 

21 comments:

Krunchy said...

California sucks. Move further east. Our people only get fined instead of put in jail for selling alcohol to minors so they only card you if your face looks like the surface of Mars.

Darraxus said...

Wecome back to California. Home of me. What area you in? Back in Oak town? ANyways.....

And then I go to the grocery store to buy a six pack for the install, and get told by the bitch behind the counter I'M REALLY SORRY, BECAUSE I CAN SEE THIS IS YOU, AND YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY OVER 21, BUT IT'S JUST EXPIRED AND I DON'T WANT TO GET IN TROUBLE.

Oh no, don't apologize to me, you little worm. Apologize to your parents. They completely failed to inspire you to think for yourself, despite all of thier hard work. Apologize to your children, who will grow up to resent you for being such a fucking putz. But don't apologize to ME. I've had a day, and at this point I don't even hear what you're saying anymore."

The establishment can get fined/their liquor license taken away, they employee can be fined, and fired. I dont think their shitty job is worth giving you some beer *for all they know you are an undercover cop).

Tanelor said...

Once had a similar experience on a visit from the UK to San Francisco - 32 years old and asked for ID when trying to get a beer with my burger in a diner. After a little incredulity at the idea, it having been 14 years since I'd last really thought about ID and buying booze, I showed my UK photocard driver's license.

The waiter insisted on leafing through every single example card in his three-ring-binder looking to see which state it was from before gravely announcing that a UK driver's license didn't appear in his list of US driver's licenses.

Sigh...

Draxi said...

Lol, California is not the only place for retards, I was denied booze once before I got my second year matriculation card in Glasgow, coz my first year matric card had expired...

Then I grew a beard and nobody asked me how old I was again.

HP said...

my id has been expired for 2 years and i used it to buy white wine. I tried to go into Dave & Buster's but I couldn't because my ID was expired -.- Good thing my bf's ID was good.

Larísa said...

They haven't asked for my ID in liquid stores for 10 years now, which makes me a sad panda. I blame my grey hair.
It flattered me a lot when they thought that a 30 year old mum might be younger than 20...
So enjoy it as long as it lasts.

Cap'n John said...

I'm with Larísa. I used to get offended when their sign said, "If you look under 30 we will card you" and I didn't get carded :(

I'm 28! I'm not old!

Actually I'm almost 40 now, so I can't even remember the last time I got carded. Senility does that to you.

Dw-redux said...

@larisa: i guess the probition in sweden forces you to call em *liquid* stores ;p
...
on topic: I could see this happening just as easily in Japan aswell, well anywhere really.
Thanks for a great read, regardless :)

Bonedead said...

Welcome back to America! We suck here.

Khaelie said...

One time i was 7 months pregnant (and i was big... REALLY big...) and i went in to a liquor store with my husband to get him a 6 pack. they carded him and then they wouldn't sell it to him because i didn't have my ID with me. i wonder if they really thought i was going to go home and drink that 6 pack...?

Larísa said...

@Dw-redux: ouch... I suck at English, as always. Better stick to the Swedish name for it: "Systembolaget".

Governmental monopoly ftw! Actually, even though the idea of it is apalling to me, the practical consequences aren't that bad. My experience is that the Swedish government stores have a much, much better assortment and more knowledgable staff than the private stores you find abroad.
Of course I'm opposed to our system from a political point of view. But actually not as a quite happy customer... :)

Khatib said...

You gotta move to a college town and then you'll get carded EVERY DAMN TIME. Move away from a college town and they barely card anyone. I was also going to suggest skipping the grocery store with the teenage clerks next time, but you already managed that one. I don't know of too many 25+ year olds working the counter at a liquor store who would fuck you like that. And no, undercover cops would not come in with an expired legit license with a picture of them saying they were 34 and then try to screw you with it. There's nothing illegal about selling to an expired ID, just selling to a minor. This is coming from a guy who's spent years bartending, a couple years bouncing and the first year after I turned 21 working retail at a liquor store. That's not how they operate. And if you ask them "Are you over 21?", they can't lie to you either, so that one's right out of the way right there.

If it makes you feel any worse Iso, first time I bought booze with no ID at all I was only 16, and played it off well enough to not get carded. :) Then again, I was already 6'4" when I was 16.

Ixobelle said...

@Darraxus: I know they can lose their liquor license, etc (even though I really doubt one of the largest grocery chains in california would actually have that happen). My point was more along the lines of "the text on the card showing when I was born is still just as valid, even if I can't use the card to operate a motor vehicle".

@everyone: sorry for the angry rant. Just needed to get that out of my system.

Jong said...

Welcome home man. Hope you had a safe trip back.

Firespirit said...

HAHA!

Ixo, Welcome home to lovely, sunny, CA. Where the weather is (almost) always great, the Government is pretty much bankrupt (anyone need an I.O.U?) and wont pass a budget, and some areas have over a 10% tax rate, and they wont sell you liquor if you have a *slightly* expired license.

LOL I just love it here in CA.

Jesse said...

FYI, the 46" Samsung LCD TV will fit in the backseat of a '06 Monte Carlo if you take it out of the box.

Darraxus said...

@ Ixo: I agree that it is completly retarded, but thats how Caifornia is. Has to do with people passing off their expired IDs to other people to use as fake IDs.

gnomeaggedon said...

Welcome home!

Dorgol said...

Very amusing rant.

Yet another reason why I'm glad I don't drink. :)

Marz said...

The expired ID scenario was hilarious, thanks for the laugh Ixo. We bought a fairly large TV a while ago, fits fine in the backseat when taken out the box. :)

Dink said...

Lol at the Customer with cash, no bs small talk, pst comment.

Welcome (back) to CA.